Responsibility

chris — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 20:18:14 +0000

Employer: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”

Applicant: “I’m the one you want.
On my last job, every time anything went wrong,
they said I was responsible.”

Bar Jokes 2

chris — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 19:04:49 +0000

2 men walked into a bar. The second one ducked

Bar Jokes

chris — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 19:04:11 +0000

A man walked into a bar. It hurt

Courtroom Humor

admin — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 08:08:19 +0000

Q. What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What’s his first name?
A. I can’t remember.
Q. He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first
name?
A. No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God’s sake, tell them your first name!
——–
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
——–
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
——–
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
——–
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
——–
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
——–
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
——–
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
——–
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
——–
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
——–
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
——–
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
——–
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.
——–
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
——–
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
——–
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
——–
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
——–
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
——–
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
——–
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
——–
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
victim?
——–
Q. …and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
——–
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
——–
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
of my head.
——–
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
——–
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that sonofabitch – and
she did!
——–
Q. Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A. I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
——–
Q. …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
——–
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
——–
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
——–
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness,
isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
——–
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
——–
Q. (Showing man picture.) That’s you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
——–
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Halloween Jokes!

admin — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:54:47 +0000

What does Tweety Bird say on Halloween?
Twick or Tweet

also…

Where does a ghost go on vacation?

Mali-boo.

Hospitality Is….

admin — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:38:31 +0000

Hospitality: Is making your guests feel like they’re at home,

even if you wish they were.

Harmon Wilbury

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday

admin — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:28:34 +0000

“I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.”

The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”

Jay Leno

Experience is a Wonderful Thing.

admin — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 21:28:53 +0000

It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.

THE RANCHER’S WIDOW

admin — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 20:56:26 +0000

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk…. “CLICK HERE TO READ MORE”

I don’t care to belong to a club

admin — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 09:19:38 +0000

that accepts people like me as members.

Groucho Marx

Feed Me Jokes